You Are Not Alone

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I can breathe. There seems to be a comfortable amount of space for me to and Colin to just, "Be". It feels like slipping on the most comfortable of pants, after eating just a tad too much and, you flop down on the couch to watch a favorite show before slipping into a food induced semi-coma.

It feels like THAT, every morning when my little guy buttons right up to me, wrapping his legs, (that have become so long, so fast) around one of mine, nuzzling into my side, palming the breast that he has taken to for his breakfast.

It is absolutely, 100% idyllic, except I have to pee, so bad, as soon as I wake up.

I ask my Son, my baby chimpanzee, "Can Mama go pee?"

Colin loudly detaches from my nipple and says, in a quiet-ish morning voice, "no" and then latches right back on to finish his breakfast.

I laugh, he smiles and I ask a couple of more times before he pushes himself off of me, smiles wide and lets me know he's ready to be up, to play.

It seems like it was months ago that I was fantasizing about committing myself to a mental institution, merely to get a break but, here I am now, the teeter totter balanced evenly and, rather than riding high, I am euphoric about the middle.

It's kind of strange but, I’m not knocking it because, just when I feel like I’m at my peak and, I feel like I might explode...

I'm washed over by a wave of peace and love, so large and calming. The wave brings me clarity and, I can see past all that I thought and felt and remember, center, gather, refocus. It's not a gift, some special talent, and its there for any of us who open up, who have the desire, the need.

Motherhood is not easy for all of us or, maybe, for any of us. Motherhood is...fragile, raw-meat tender, achingly precious, poignant, revolutionary, body altering, soul shaking and, challenging.

The challenges come in waves that break upon you in a deluge that leaves you bewildered, gasping for support, encouragement, a kind word. As your world is turned upside down, leaving you grasping and struggling for air, it's easy to forget that the wave WILL recede and, you'll be earth side once again.

As time goes by and, your baby grows, the patterns of waves change. Sometimes you'll get a long break, sometimes a short one.

I'm in a break, right now and, it's salty sunshine with a soundtrack of squawking, greedy gulls, gritty sand between my toes and all the time in the world to pick out the prettiest shells brought in from the tide while the sun makes my back so warm, it tingles.

I'm stretching my post baby wings...listening to music I forgot I loved, re-reading books that are food for my brain while my Son nurses and sleeps in the crook of my arm. I'm building my sense of humor, tasting laughter that's socially acceptable, acceptable to me and outright outrageous and offensive to others.

My wings have dried off and, for the first time since my Son was born, I’m ready to, butterfly.

All of those waves breaking upon me? They were for a purpose and, that purpose is good, worthy, noble, and purposeful.

I'm just going to stretch out my body, under the sun, in my squeaky wet bathing suit and let the heat dry me as the ocean goes on.

I earned this. We all do.

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