Control

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. I've been feeling down. Being a Mother, who has chosen to stay at home with her child, has multiple benefits but, it seems that it's become a challenge lately.

I feel really fortunate that my Husband's job pays him a salary that enables me to stay at home with our Son but, that doesn't mean that it isn't a challenge. Finances are tight. We only have one vehicle and, with the price of gas so high and, no relief in sight, we've had to watch our gas consumption which means that Colin and I end up staying home.

Colin is an active, tenacious, curious and determined 21 month old little boy and, it seems that the confines of our home have become too small for him. My darling Son has taken to pulling the chairs from the dining room table away from the table and dragging them to places like the bar or, the kitchen to get to the things that are on top of those surfaces.

In short, it's driving me crazy.

There are only so many ways to say, "NO" and, only so many ways for me to divert his attention. I can't put everything away that he wants to get into. I become...frustrated, exasperated and, eventually, angry.

I've taken to placing the chairs into the downstairs half bath, just so I can hang onto my sanity and stop yelling at my kid but, Colin is so determined that he will keep on trying to find things to stand on to get into too high to reach places. I put a baby gate up between the living room and kitchen and, that is another added layer to my sanity and, Colin's safety and, while those are important things, I've come to realize that the issue here, Dude, is CONTROL.

I cannot control my toddler and, it's driving me nuts. I am having difficulty dealing with our financial situation and my home bound status because, I do not feel that I can do much to control it. I have put up mental roadblocks, "I can't do _____" or, "what good could, ______ do"? I have become a bundle of anxiety, stress and frustration.

Lately, my mantra has been, "You cannot control ______, you can only control yourself". Well, that may be easy for some other people but, being a reigning Queen of impulse, indecision and stubbornness, remembering I find that believing in that mantra, a challenge.

The other day, I chopped some of my hair off, to give myself some bangs. Sure, it's a paltry attempt at giving myself some sort of illusion of control in my life but, it worked. I feel a little nervous about them but, for the most part, I love them. I did something small to change up the monotony and, give me a modicum of control over my life. I controlled myself.

The euphoria of my new hair do won't last forever and, I'll probably find myself, once again, in the same state I was a couple of days ago but, I realized something else that, somehow, I've managed to forget:

It won't last forever.

My Son has brought the term, "Change is the only constant" to life for me. I didn't ever think his Colic would stop but, it did. I didn't ever think he would sleep for longer than two hours at a time but, he did. I didn't think he would ever crawl but, he did.

I don't think that Colin will ever stop climbing on chairs to get to places that are out of his reach otherwise but, he may. I am not sure that I will ever adjust to our financial status but, I'm working on it and, there is always possibility for improvement. I feel frustrated and depressed but, I won't forever. I want things to move along faster, of course but, I also know that if I keep my chin up and fight through, I'll clear this piece of my journey to a better time.

I can't control a lot but, I can control myself, if I but try.