There were days, when I was at my limit with my Son, when I entertained the idea of bundling him up and sneaking him over to my next door neighbor's house, placing him on the doorstep after ringing the bell and running away, retreating to silence, sanity and the solitude of my home.
I know where I was, what I was thinking, what I was doing and feeling at the time and, I understand and forgive myself for feeling that way, once upon a time. After all, my Son isn't living with my next door neighbor, or anyone else, he's still with me and...
I'm more in love with my child than I have ever been in love before.
I am, in fact, more in love with my Son, in a way that I had only once dreamt of loving and hoped to love.
It's complicated, this love I have for my Son. I'm FAR from perfect. I say, "NO!" and I swear, occasionally and I get irritated with him plenty but, for the first time in my life, I know what it means to unconditionally love.
Of course, I'm always worried about how I'm inadequate to provide my Son with the wisdom that I wish I had as a child, the wisdom, compassion, understanding, courage, bravery and intelligence I dearly wish for him to possess but, there is this love and the message that it gives me is, "Hush...hush...it's okay. You love, he loves. Love. Love. Love" and I am agitated because I want more explanation but, I am also soothed.
I put down the baby books, long ago. The baby books were only aggravating me. I distanced myself from Mom's who made me feel anxious, inadequate by means of never being on top of the dangers of the world, of never making my baby safe enough, of saying, feeling, being the wrong thing.
I put all of the books and Mom's away and, I was lost for a little while but, I found myself, my voice, my heart, again and I realized that my Son is unique and precious. I realized that, if I was not capable of caring for and loving my Son, he would not have been given to me. There were times when it was so hard, lonely, scary and frustrating but, I know that despite the challenges we have been through, I am capable.
My Son is going to be Two, this Friday.
At once it seems like yesterday that I carried my Son in my body, bore his weight, feared his labor, rejoiced with laughter and tears at the first sight of his face but, it also seems so long ago because, that tiny, determined soul is now...
A sweet, loving, thoughtful, determined, dexterous, ambitious, inventive, adventurous, compassionate, curious, voracious soul living in the body of a two year old with a head full of bronze hair, sweet golden brown eyes fringed with thick lashes that curl at the very tips, breastfed cheeks tinged with pink, milky skin, artful eyebrows, an expressive mouth and a body that seems to almost tremble with the desire to move and live more than it is capable of doing at this moment.
My Son also scares the crap out of me, tests the limits of my Patience and, my temper flares like I never thought it would but, I love him, so much.
Colin, My Son, is now a boy.
Colin speaks in sentences. Colin understands. Colin follows direction. Colin has a thirst for life, (like his Mom, God help him) but he is tempered by the empathy, desire for understanding and compassion that his Father and I share. Colin loves to snuggle. Colin loves to learn and read. Colin loves to be himself and, no matter what I or, his Daddy feel about what we aren't doing or could do better for him, we haven't touched the core of Colin's self, we've only encouraged, loved and challenged ourselves to embrace, understand and foster Colin's self.
He's going to be two, my Baby, not a baby anymore.
Does it ever get any easier to put away clothes that are too small?