What It Is?

I'm tired of blaming my Parents, my Childhood, my Past on how I behave or feel or whatever...

I'm just tired of it.

Maybe, MAYBE, (well, quite likely) all that I am and all that I do is some echo...echo...so lonely, Hollow.
I struggle to know what I am and what comes from my Childhood. I can't make up my mind. On one hand, I know I’m an adult; I have made my own choices for quite a long time, even before I was legally considered an adult. On the other hand, I’m still a child and I can't shake it...can't shake all the projections of pain and joy and some of the in-between because, because, because...

They are a part of my strand.

Whatever it is, I continue to search, continue to try to understand but, in the meantime...

I feel very frustrated by the fact that my twenty-month old Son vexes me so.

PLEASE HOLD THE ADVICE, I DON'T WANT IT.

If my Son is to take a nap for longer than a half hour, it must be with me.

If my Son is to go to sleep at night, it must be with me.

If I try to read, surf the internet, sew, crochet or, do ANYTHING by myself, for myself, for ourselves, for him, for our family, I feel as if I MUST have his blessing.

I feel like I cannot have ANYTHING for myself.

It makes me want to cry and scream and rail and knash at the sky and, I yell.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

I thought I was the kind of person who could be a Mom who didn't want or need some time for myself...

And...

I feel so small...so guilty...so ashamed and horrible for wanting to hang onto a piece of time for myself, to hang on to the core of who I am because...

I had a baby, right? Babies and Children, they require all of you and, maybe, actually really, I was mistaken. I had a window and that window has almost closed and I feel suffocated.

I could do so many things, as anyone who is reading this could suggest and, while I appreciate your concern and your desire to help...it comes down to me and figuring out what I need to figure out for myself, for Colin, for my Family. It might be something that you would say or have tried or would have me try but, it's not the same as feeling it in your heart, is it?
I have to gather the strength, the desire, the purpose and then I can walk on...
I feel it coming...I feel the strength to withstand and go forth with a purpose, confidence and intention that I will stand to defend but, in the meantime, I am frustrated and you can't reason with a toddler.
In this, I blame no one and nothing but, myself.
What IS best?
That's for me and my Family to figure out but, we're working on it.