First of all, not a blog about my body works...I'll talk about Post Baby Sex but, I’m not about to start telling you what childbirth did to me.
I can hear your relief.
No, Boys and Girls, today I’m going to address how, Twenty Months Post Partum, a bit of the, "Old" me is leaking through.
This personality leak is awkward, not just for me but, for the Mom's I'm friends with. My, "P.L." as I will call it from now, (because I’m lazy and typing out Personality Leak just seems tedious at 12:57 A.M. EST) has given me a severe case of the, "blurts".
For instance, I was at a Birthday Party for a Mama friend's Daughter who was turning Two and, as I was preparing to put my Son in the car, into his seat, my Son grabbed a hold of the car remote and pressed the, "HONK" function. You know, the one that, "HONKS" until you press the button again? I guess it's like a rape whistle or something but, in any case, my Son always seems to find the, "HONK" button and, for some reason, is always SURPRISED when he presses it.
Anywhooooo....my darling Son set the, "HONK" button off right as two of my Momma friends from the party walked by and, the Momma friend that I had not spent any time with recently said,
"Oh! That's how you really feel about me?" or something like that.
First of all, I was SUPREMELY embarrassed, (as I always am) when my Son finds the, "HONK" button, it brings unwanted attention. It's supposed to be an alarm, right? Secondly, I felt awkward about not talking to this Momma friend for a while and was embarrassed, although I'm sure she meant it in a friendly way.
So, taking a cue from my Husband who, always seems to put his dear foot in his dear mouth, I said, "Yes. Actually, it was a Sexy Honk".
WTF?! I mean, did I REALLY just SAY THAT? REALLY?!
Oh yes, I did. GULP!
My Momma friend smirked and walked on and, since I didn't really relish the thought of sticking my thumb up my behind, I chose something better to do and got my Son into the car, into his seat.
I tried not to dwell but, here we are, almost seven days later and, I’m blogging about it. I mean, it hasn't kept me up at nights but...here it is. Mostly, this was triggered by my second, "BLURT" just this week.
Oh yes, I am capable of that. It's a WONDER there are not more incidents for me to write about but, we're a one car family and, I only get out of the house once or twice a week...THANK THE GODS.
So...TODAY, I was at a social event with Momma friends and, three of us who have boys about the same age peeled off from the rest of the group to let our little guys play in the water park that was a part of the park we were in for the Social Event. WHEW! Got that? Ok. LOL.
SEGUEY*: I am an Amateur, Amateur shutterbug with a decent camera and I like to take pictures. Lately, I took pictures at a Play Date and captured a lot of, "Heiny" shots. I don't mean too, really. I like to snap pictures when no one is posing because, to me, those are the best kind of pictures but, the side affect is that you get a lot of weird and unflattering photo's. I try to filter them out, I do but, I think it's nice to get shots that are candid and show group participation and, unfortunately, a lot of those include side or full on, "Heiny" shots.
I posted a pic of one of my Momma friends on Facebook and she commented about how I seem to always get shots of her, "Heiny". She is good natured about it and we had funny-ha-ha's about it but, PERSONAL NOTE: "Try to NOT get Heiny pictures of This Momma friend or, any more Momma friends or, Anyone else".
Still, Today, at the park, I was making jokes about, "Heiny Shots" and...BLURT ALERT, I said something like, "Maybe I think you have a nice Heiny" and then Momma friend said something and then I said, "Maybe I think your Heiny is a work of art".
All Together Now....WINCE!
I mean....Did that just come out of my mouth?!?! REALLY?!
WHERE THE HELL DID MY FILTER GO?!?!?!
Honestly, I think all of my Momma friends are GORGEOUS. I think that people in general are very interesting and worth taking pictures of. The Human face is fascinating. I don't always think about my Subjects sore points when it comes to photography but, I should because, I have PLENTY of them and, I personally do NOT like being photographed, (which is why being BEHIND the lens is much more preferable and happens often). It's not that I’m trying to get Heiny shots or, make anyone look ugly. I am trying to capture life but, that's not even the point. The point is my lack of filter or, what I thought was my lack of filter.
I realized that, I have felt like a buttoned up Au Pair from somewhere in the United Kingdom who is GREAT with the kids, doesn't have any really great adult jokes or sense of humor when being a Nanny. Do I think that Nanny Jo from, "Super Nanny" is a total bore? As my Son would say, "oooooh nooooooo". I think Jo probably has a wicked, perhaps acerbic, sense of humor. Maybe even raunchy, Jo's sense of humor. I bet Jo can knock back quite a few Pints, if she puts herself to it, and has a brash laugh, can sing loud and well and, maybe even fancies wearing something daring every once in a while. At least, I HOPE Jo does because...well...I'd feel sorry for her if she didn't.
I feel sorry for myself. Unlucky for my Mom friends, my particular brand of humor, which is pretty sarcastic and really deadpan, makes it hard for my Mom friends to understand when I’m making a joke and, a joke is all that it is. A bad joke, for sure.
I'm just trying to find my Post Baby sense of humor. I MISS my sense of humor. I want to write my sense of humor long love letters, begging it to take me back and be with me forever. I want to be buried with my sense of humor, with a dual grave marker, underneath an Oak tree, if it will have me.
I have spent the past, almost Three years, thinking about Pregnancy, Childbirth, Child-rearing and, living Organic, Green and Non-Toxic. I have spent countless hours reading articles about Attachment Parenting, Childbirth, Doula's, Breastfeeding, Child-rearing and sharing those articles on Facebook for all of my Friends to see and read if they so choose. I have become an Activist, In-Activist, Lactivist, etc., etc. I have shared how i'm anti-circumcision. I have warned people about toxic items. I have focused on my Son and coping with being a Mom, a Stay-At-Home Woman. I have gnawed my fingertips over how my Husband is the only one working and our finances and how I can contribute even though Me and our Son are not ready to acclimate to Me working outside of the home because, we only get ONE chance to share these years together and, they are SO important to Me, my Husband and, most importantly, Our Son. I have desires, physical and emotional, that I have repressed because, in the scheme of things, they rank low on the Totem Pole and, the life that I am trying to build with my Husband and helping to shape the life of Our Son, takes first place.
Do I miss being first? You bet I do. Do I find ways to put myself first? I do. Is it enough? Sometimes but, not what I wish. Can I change that? I can and, when I can, I will but, for now, it's not the time but, somehow, I forgot one very VITAL thing...
My Sense of Humor.
I have laughed with my Son. I have laughed with my Husband. I have laughed with friends but, I have not laughed because of my rather strange sense of humor and, I have not really been able to share it.
Most of my Mommy friends are also keen on the same things I am keen on and, we take life pretty seriously. We have busy toddlers and lives and don't often find the time to really let loose and joke when we're at Social Functions or Play Dates. Me and my Mommy friends are often too busy making sure our kids aren't cracking their head's open, aren't running too far away, aren't being bullied or bullying. Me and my Mommy friends don't keep eye contact for more than thirty seconds because, our eyes always break contact and scan the throng, crowd, play area, for a visual check on our young. We do it for our young, we do it for each other's young. Sitting around and talking, even if it's for two minutes, is a luxury.
This is often torture for me because, I really want to know what my Kamikaze Toddler is doing but, I really want to let my Momma friend know that I care about Her, care about what She is saying and give her a form of comfort and understanding but, I am torn between my Momma friend and my Child. Luckily, we know that we can't keep eye contact but, it doesn't mean we don't care and, that helps but, in this world, we don't get to flex our sense of humor often because we're cramming our short two or three hours of two to three intervals every twenty-minutes full of what is the latest on Attachment Parenting or, what is new with Organic and Green living or, what is recently Toxic and disgusting and how to best manage and give our children a normal, healthy lifestyle. We just end up talking about important things and, it doesn't leave room for jokes about, "Sexy Honks" or, "Arty Heiny's" which, makes me sad because I really want my Momma friends to know that I admire them and think they're beautiful. I also want to really laugh with them in a non-parental way.
I've had so much pressure in the, "New Plumbing" and I would really love a chance to be the Nerd that I am, to make my jokes, (inappropriate or not) to be understood, to talk about ANYTHING other than my Son or anyone else's kid or anything that has to do with child-rearing or swimming against the social stream.
Sometimes, I need a break, Y'all.
You know what? You probably do too.
Here's to your, "Arty Heiny" and here's a, "Sexy Honk" for your slimmed-down-after-baby body!
Pardon my jokes because, I just want to find my feet and, I think I have a lot more feet than I used to.
*Shout out to my Eighth Grade Teacher who taught me that word. She'd be pretty darn proud if she knew that I was using it. At least, I think so...