Waves

I can breathe. There seems to be a comfortable amount of space for me to and Colin to just, "Be". It feels like slipping on the most comfortable of pants, after eating just a tad too much and, you flop down on the couch to watch a favorite show before slipping into a food induced semi-coma.

It feels like THAT, every morning when my little guy buttons right up to me, wrapping his legs, (that have become so long, so fast) around one of mine, nuzzling into my side, palming the breast that he has taken to for his breakfast.

It is absolutely, 100% idyllic, except I have to pee, so bad, as soon as I wake up.

I ask my Son, my baby chimpanzee, "Can Mama go pee?"

Colin loudly detaches from my nipple and says, in a quiet-ish morning voice, "no" and then latches right back on to finish his breakfast.

I laugh, he smiles and I ask a couple of more times before he pushes himself off of me, smiles wide and lets me know he's ready to be up, to play.

It seems like it was months ago that I was fantasizing about committing myself to a mental institution, merely to get a break but, here I am now, the teeter totter balanced evenly and, rather than riding high, I am euphoric about the middle.

It's kind of strange but, I’m not knocking it because, just when I feel like I’m at my peak and, I feel like I might explode...

I'm washed over by a wave of peace and love, so large and calming. The wave brings me clarity and, I can see past all that I thought and felt and remember, center, gather, refocus. It's not a gift, some special talent, and its there for any of us who open up, who have the desire, the need.

Motherhood is not easy for all of us or, maybe, for any of us. Motherhood is...fragile, raw-meat tender, achingly precious, poignant, revolutionary, body altering, soul shaking and, challenging.

The challenges come in waves that break upon you in a deluge that leaves you bewildered, gasping for support, encouragement, a kind word. As your world is turned upside down, leaving you grasping and struggling for air, it's easy to forget that the wave WILL recede and, you'll be earth side once again.

As time goes by and, your baby grows, the patterns of waves change. Sometimes you'll get a long break, sometimes a short one.

I'm in a break, right now and, it's salty sunshine with a soundtrack of squawking, greedy gulls, gritty sand between my toes and all the time in the world to pick out the prettiest shells brought in from the tide while the sun makes my back so warm, it tingles.

I'm stretching my post baby wings...listening to music I forgot I loved, re-reading books that are food for my brain while my Son nurses and sleeps in the crook of my arm. I'm building my sense of humor, tasting laughter that's socially acceptable, acceptable to me and outright outrageous and offensive to others.

My wings have dried off and, for the first time since my Son was born, I’m ready to fly...fly...fly, butterfly.

All of those waves breaking upon me? They were for a purpose and, that purpose is good, worthy, noble, and purposeful.

I'm just going to stretch out my body, under the sun, in my squeaky wet bathing suit and let the heat dry me as the ocean goes on.

I earned this. We all do.

Control

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me. I've been feeling down. Being a Mother, who has chosen to stay at home with her child, has multiple benefits but, it seems that it's become a challenge lately.

I feel really fortunate that my Husband's job pays him a salary that enables me to stay at home with our Son but, that doesn't mean that it isn't a challenge. Finances are tight. We only have one vehicle and, with the price of gas so high and, no relief in sight, we've had to watch our gas consumption which means that Colin and I end up staying home.

Colin is an active, tenacious, curious and determined 21 month old little boy and, it seems that the confines of our home have become too small for him. My darling Son has taken to pulling the chairs from the dining room table away from the table and dragging them to places like the bar or, the kitchen to get to the things that are on top of those surfaces.

In short, it's driving me crazy.

There are only so many ways to say, "NO" and, only so many ways for me to divert his attention. I can't put everything away that he wants to get into. I become...frustrated, exasperated and, eventually, angry.

I've taken to placing the chairs into the downstairs half bath, just so I can hang onto my sanity and stop yelling at my kid but, Colin is so determined that he will keep on trying to find things to stand on to get into too high to reach places. I put a baby gate up between the living room and kitchen and, that is another added layer to my sanity and, Colin's safety and, while those are important things, I've come to realize that the issue here, Dude, is CONTROL.

I cannot control my toddler and, it's driving me nuts. I am having difficulty dealing with our financial situation and my home bound status because, I do not feel that I can do much to control it. I have put up mental roadblocks, "I can't do _____" or, "what good could, ______ do"? I have become a bundle of anxiety, stress and frustration.

Lately, my mantra has been, "You cannot control ______, you can only control yourself". Well, that may be easy for some other people but, being a reigning Queen of impulse, indecision and stubbornness, remembering I find that believing in that mantra, a challenge.

The other day, I chopped some of my hair off, to give myself some bangs. Sure, it's a paltry attempt at giving myself some sort of illusion of control in my life but, it worked. I feel a little nervous about them but, for the most part, I love them. I did something small to change up the monotony and, give me a modicum of control over my life. I controlled myself.

The euphoria of my new hair do won't last forever and, I'll probably find myself, once again, in the same state I was a couple of days ago but, I realized something else that, somehow, I've managed to forget:

It won't last forever.

My Son has brought the term, "Change is the only constant" to life for me. I didn't ever think his Colic would stop but, it did. I didn't ever think he would sleep for longer than two hours at a time but, he did. I didn't think he would ever crawl but, he did.

I don't think that Colin will ever stop climbing on chairs to get to places that are out of his reach otherwise but, he may. I am not sure that I will ever adjust to our financial status but, I'm working on it and, there is always possibility for improvement. I feel frustrated and depressed but, I won't forever. I want things to move along faster, of course but, I also know that if I keep my chin up and fight through, I'll clear this piece of my journey to a better time.

I can't control a lot but, I can control myself, if I but try.

Afraid To Be

I'm afraid to be who I know I am.

I think that's silly but, it's true.

I wanted a haircut, some new clothes as armor.

I know who I am,

What I want.

I'm just scared to go and get it.

I don't need armor.

I need to believe.

Turpentine

Turpentine,
I hold you in my hands
painted black, red, blue, grey,
a slice of holy yellow,
unworthy.

Turpentine,
I want to splash,
pour
fling
sting
melt away
away
away
all of the past
all that I painted
...
but,
I feel,
pressed,
weighted.

Turpentine,
to pour you
over starched canvass
gouged, pitted
baring my soul
cryptic
puzzling
serving my ego
hiding my secrets
showing myself to those who might understand
...

I would become
Mute.

I hunger for,
Absolution.

Turpentine
...

Blank
My Canvas
Turpentine,
Turpentine,
give me
Rebirth.

It's an Oldie but, a goodie

I'm trying to strike a balance between posting on a regular basis and, keeping my blogs a little shorter.

In keeping with that spirit, I will be posting some, "Notes" I posted on my personal Facebook Page some time ago. I do hope you enjoy!

Organic Change

by Rebecca Andrews on Saturday, April 24, 2010 at 1:12am

Mark and I have been talking about making healthier choices for some time. We both gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy, and neither one of us has lost any of that Pregnancy weight gain yet. Our weight weighs heavily on us (pun intended) and we’ve both wanted to lose the weight and the task of making a move to healthier foods and subsequent weight loss has been on my shoulders. Mark simply doesn’t have the time to shop, is not as informed, motivated or passionate about developing a healthy lifestyle. Actually, he never has, come to think of it, but that’s really not the point. He trusts my research, judgment and reaps the benefits of my hard work. I don’t mind, as long as he doesn’t gripe too much about the choices I do make. Not to say he doesn’t have a say, he does, but his comments are peppered in, I take note and adjust. Raise your hand if you want to be Mark right now. (I’m raising MY hand, what about you? LOL)

This blathering is leading up to the fact that, along with talking with my friend Christina about healthier lifestyle choices, I watched, “Food Inc.” yesterday. Watching, “Food Inc.” really brought together what Christina and I have talked about, as well as the other ways I have educated myself, i.e., reading Eric Schossler’s, “Fast Food Nation”, watching Morgan Spurlock’s, “Supersize Me” and Dr. Agaston’s, “South Beach Diet”. I am glad that I had prior information, but even watching it without prior information would be eye opening to anyone who cared to watch it.

“Food, Inc.” delves into the underbelly of the food industry in America, and how the average American consumer is mostly unaware of where their food comes from, how it is processed and treated to prevent life threatening illness for the most capital gain. “Food, Inc.” runs the informative gambit from the way animals are treated, produce is grown and chemically treated and how human beings who work for these companies, as well as human beings who buy from these companies are not human beings at all to those companies. It opened my eyes to the Organic movement, and how there really is a difference between Organic and non-organic. It informed me that currently, the FDA is nearly powerless to help protect American citizens because of laws and subsidies passed who are on the side of companies who deal in favors and assets. “Food, Inc.” made me angry, heartbroken and passionate about change.

Because of, “Food, Inc.” I want to give my child, my Husband, myself and all the other Americans, and even illegal immigrants the opportunity to be treated intelligently, seriously and humanely, by making choices that support local farmers and shunning companies who capitalize on our bank accounts, (containing very hard earned dollars) at a cost to our health as individuals, and as a country. The war may start at the Supermarket, but it reaches into healthcare, government and the very welfare of each and every American, hard working or not.

I am informed, I am empowered, and I have chosen to take a stand and make changes with our family funds and my voice that say, “I choose better for myself and my family. I choose to support our local farmers and economy. I choose health for myself and my family”. I am taking a stand against corporate America, and I want to say that the way our food industry is now is NOT okay, and it’s time for a change. I am taking a stand for our Nations children and families for better, accessible and affordable nutrition, and I started all of this today.

Curious to see what my local Supermarket offered, I placed Colin in his stroller, loaded up with reusable bags and Colin “things” and walked to the shopping plaza up the street from my home.

I had searched for, and found, a recipe for dinner from the Publix Greenwise recipe, Hunter’s Chicken with Garlic Green Beans, and aside from searching for those items in the organic produce and meat sections; I also took note of what else I could find that was organic. Sadly, the Publix by my house has very meager Organic dry goods, produce, dairy and meat section, (I do know that the Publix located off of Hardin, by the Target on the south side has a much larger dry Organic section, but that would be a LONG walk). Despite the meager selection, I was able to locate all the items on my shopping list in Organic form, plus some.

I will list the Sticker Price, because I know you’ll be curious, but I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT BUYING ORGANIC AND LOCALLY CAN BE REASONABLE AND EVEN ECONOMICAL. I set out today knowing that there was a big chance I might not have found many Organic items, and that those items would probably be pricey because I was buying from a Supermarket, not local farmers. This was a research trip, foray if you will, to satisfy my curiosity.

In reality, purchasing all of my Organic, or even local groceries from any Supermarket is not going to be practical. Becoming a conscious, informed consumer is going to take some research and some effort. This is why I plan on starting off easy, and working my way into it, not only for myself, but for my husband and our bank account as well. I need to research local farmers, prices and what is seasonal a lot more in order to really get the most out of this, but in the meantime, it is nice to be aware of what I can purchase at my local Supermarket.

So, without further adieu, here is the list of the Organic items I purchased from Publix today:

White Oak Pastures, grass fed ground beef that has all kinds of seals of approval and exclamations on how very, 100% Organic the beef is. The cows are treated humanely, are grass-fed, 100% USA, free range and free roaming, non-dairy cows, no Antibiotics, no hormones. www.whiteoakpastures.com
Sticker Price: $6.99 – I know you think I’m crazy for this, but I really just want to try it out. It looks AWESOME! All sorts of marbling and this is GROUND meat! (I mean, seriously, you should see it. Your mouth would start watering, if you’re a carnivore, like me.)
www.whiteoakpastures.com

Murray’s Family Farmed Chicken. No antibiotics, fed all vegetarian diet, no animal by-products, no hormones or growth stimulants, no artificial products, minimally processed.
Nothing on the package says anything about whether or not the chickens are free range or housed in open air, sun filled coops, but if you visit:  http://www.murrayschicken.com/about_us.php#
The website tells you that the chickens are, in fact, treated humanely, and if you watched what I saw on, “Food, Inc.” that’s actually pretty important.
On sale at $3.99 a pound, the skinless, boneless breasts are very low in fat trimming, and come as a package of two, actual breasts that you can split apart. AWESOME.
(Actually, all of it is, because those poor chickens AND cows are made to grow too fast with all sorts of crap and it’s really horrifying what it does to the chickens, and what we’re actually eating while ingesting the meat.)

Organic Green Beans
Sticker Price: $2.99 on sale

There was a BOGO coupon on Sprout, organic baby food. I bought two.
End price: .99

Organic Mushrooms, (which were really tasty, but Mark didn’t like them)
Sticker Price; $2.99

Turbinado (all natural, non-processed) Sugar, (which I didn’t actually use, but was supposed to, but dinner was still good)
Sticker Price: $5.59 for a several pound bag.

Herbs De Provence Vingerette
Sticker Price: $3.95

Organic Green Pepper, (which was from a selection of four, and it was the best one out of the other three that had spots and looked like they were going bad)
Sticker Price: $2.99

Organic Tomato on Vine, (which I have not eaten, but they look really yummy and I can’t wait to have them with my Organic Baby Spinach)
Sticker Price: 1.13 lb @ $5.99/lb $6.77

4 Grain Eggs, which are humanely treated, no antibiotics or growth hormone brown eggs.
Sticker Price: $2.99 for one dozen.

Box of Organic Whole wheat bow ties
Sticker Price: $2.59

Can of Organic Fire Roasted Tomatoes
Sticker Price: $1.69

I enjoyed dinner immensely. I think I enjoyed it even more because, 1.) It was healthy, and 2.) It was Organic. The flavors of the Mushroom, the juiciness of the chicken and all the rest was delicious. I even gave Colin little bits of Chicken to try out.

Aside from my nutritional Organic shopping foray at Publix, I also hit up CVS and purchased a tag that I can attach to any reusable bag and earn $1 in extra care bucks every four times I go to CVS and use a reusable bag with the tag. I also picked up a bamboo cloth, “poufy thing” for Colin, and a, “grow your own” herb kit that will yield, Sweet Basil, Chives and Parsley! Fresh herbs are yummy, I can’t wait!

I also stopped by the consignment shop and picked up a sun hat, a button up blouse and a pair of summer sandals, all for less than $25.

At Publix, I also purchased energy efficient light bulbs, a reusable, non-plastic laundry bag and two reusable bags, because I don’t have enough…*cough-cough*.

It is all a conscious effort. I plan on taking baby steps, because I want this to become a way of life, and I know that I have much to learn to make this work for me and my family, but I am determined and passionate about it. This is no fad for me, this is life, and this is taking a stand.

If you’re interested in the recipe I made for dinner, here is the link: http://www.publix.com/aprons/meals/GreenWise/SimpleMeal.do?mealId=4054&mealGroupId=1151) 

The, “Food, Inc.” website is, http://foodincmovie.com/index.php

Going beyond to other resources and petitions, you can also visit, http://www.takepart.com/foodinc

Eric Schlosser’s and Morgan Spurlock’s books can be found on Amazon.com at reasonable prices if you decide to buy used, (which is also good for the environment, and really, is there any good reason not to save a couple of bucks to buy a used books?)

If you’re in Lakeland, there is a Farmer’s Market on Wednesday and Saturday. There is also a, “Food Revolution” in Lakeland that highlights local farmers and conscious restaurants. Both have pages on Facebook that you can, “Like” and get updates on.

If you’re interested in finding out what produce is seasonal, you can find recipes and information at www.harvesteating.com

Hopefully, that starts you off. There are other reading materials that I plan on purchasing to further enhance my knowledge, and therefore adding power and savvy to my purchases, and if you’re interested I’ll keep you abreast.

I will leave you with pictures of the meal I prepared tonight, and I hope that it encourages you!

Hunter's Chicken with Green Beans that were supposed to be Garlic, but I just steamed them instead. LOL

Not so garlic, but still delicious, Organic Green Beans

Mmm...hot in the pot!

So, i'm doing this backwards. Yep, backwards.

Mmmm...Grassfed Beef...and they really, really want you to know that it's all sorts of good! Just look at the emblems!

Tasty Chicken

Delicious pasta

You can't tell from this picture, but they were the Greenest of Beans.

They weren't on the menu, but they looked so red and tasty that I couldn't help myself! They're going on tomorrow's Organic Baby Spinach Salad, with a generous smattering of so, so tasty Goat Cheese. Mmm...can't wait for lunch!

I really thought these mushrooms were very delectable, but Mark thought they were too, "earthy'. Man, he has some weird ideas sometimes! Maybe, by earthy, he means they taste like dirt? I didn't think so! LOL

...and Then There Were Three

Recent Facebook Post:

"the snooze button on my biological clock has been pushed =). I know Colin is going to be a fantastic big Brother, he has so much compassion and tenderness. I am still learning to manage ONE child and, besides that, I on the days i'm not exasperated by having a toddler, I really love the fact that our family is three. There is something precious about, "...and Baby makes three". I'm sure that, like most Mom's and Dad's over the course of time, we'd mark and celebrate the milestones and nuances of our children but, i'm savoring the soup for now. If there's time for another baby, if there is another one for our family, we will have one. A couple of years won't matter. =)"

Humanity Soup

I've been out of the workforce since July of 2009 so; it's been awhile since I’ve been on the business side of things. It's no surprise then that I felt a little nervous and frazzled about my first yard sale. My community holds a Community wide yard sale twice a year and, one of them occurred this past Saturday.

For this particular sale, I started prepping a month in advance, unlike the last one, (my Son became ill and, I was unable to complete preparation). Despite prepping a month in advance, (only because I mixed up the dates on the sale) I still did not complete tagging everything I was selling with a price tag. In addition to failing to prep the merchandise, I was unable to go to sleep till about 1 a.m. the night before. I had planned to wake at 6 a.m. the day of the sale but, my Husband pressed the snooze button twice, (I’m really not upset by that) and I didn't wake until 6:30 a.m. I was counting on my Husband to help me set up but, he had to leave for work around 7-ish and, as a result, I ended up setting up for the sale on my own.

The sale was scheduled and advertised to start at eight a.m. but, I did not start placing my items for sale outside until 7:30. Lucky for me, my Son is still small enough to pack into an Ergo carrier so, I managed the back carry position on my own and started dragging the tables to be used out onto the, "lawn", (I live in a townhome community and, I have about a foot of "yard"). As I began dragging out heavy tables through my front door, (trying not to clip my child on the door jamb) my first customer pulled up.

My first customer was a late middle-aged woman with close cropped hair, glasses and a calm, affable presence. She did not seem to mind that I was just beginning to set out my merchandise. In fact, this kind lady began pawing through the boxes I set out and, instead of throwing the items about, she gently placed the items on the tables I had moved outside.

As the lady and I worked, we made conversation of the usual yard sale sort but, I felt kind of a kinship and, thinking back, it kind of makes me feel like she was a woman in my, "village", a friend who would drop by and help me prepare dinner, tend to my baby, pick up wet laundry to hang as we talked except, she was doing me multiple favors with her kindness.

This lady must have stayed for about 45 minutes, looking through the stuff I was selling, chatting, helping. I must say, this lady set the tone for my day and, as a result, I believe that, despite the heat and my gypsy toddler, set me up with a goodly store of cheer. This lady's helped, unassuming and without hidden agenda. The lady ended up purchasing quite a bit of the items I set out and, as a way of expressing my gratitude and rewarding her for her assistance, I gave her two of the items she put aside to purchase, for free.

While the predicted 90 degree weather started proving itself with a vengeance and, my Son proved me foolhardy for believing that he would be content in his old Pack N' Play, (he climbed out, no fewer than three times) a couple of neighbors, walking their dogs, one with her 4 week old son, (we saw her and her Husband come home for the first time with their baby) and another who has a Son that is a year and a half old, stopped by. I was blessed by watching my Son's pure delight in greeting and playing with the dogs. The dogs were as delighted with him, as he was with them, (while I do not enjoy pet hair, fleas and picking up poop, one day, Colin will have a doggy of his own because, he really seems to love them so). I also enjoyed getting to know these Mom's who are my neighbors and, other neighbors as well but, I was not only treated by neighbors, on this day of goodwill.

Friends who are new and, friends who I know, stopped by and, I was blessed by enhancing our acquaintance and, our friendships. My heart feels rich and full of love when I think of all of the women that I am blessed to know. Each woman that I count as friend adds a resonant note to life song and, to my song. I was grateful that these ladies stopped by to support my yard sale, to converse, commiserate and affirm.

Peppered in with the friends, I greeted many strangers. While some of these strangers did not seem to desire a conversation or, to purchase the items I was selling, most of them did and, the morning passed by quickly because of them.

At one point in the day, a trio of people approached and, one of the women in the party reminded me a little bit of my Husbands Mother. My Son went right to her and, allowed her to hold him for quite some time. I was really touched and, a little unsettled by it but, if my Son decided she was good enough to hang out with, I trusted him. While my Son makes friends with all ages, he does hold reservation and, it's because he seems to have a healthy balance that I tend to trust his first impression in tandem with my own.

I ended up knocking over a lamp and, the bulb that was blown that was still in it, hit the pavement and shattered. I had to step inside to grab a broom and dustpan, frantic over the strange woman still holding my Son, having fleeting visions of the trio running to their truck and taking off with my child but, in the end, I trusted and, when I came back outside, the trio was still there and, so was my Son.

After I swept up the glass, my Son reached his arms out for me and, I felt in that moment, in a day with too much to process, the crescendo of a symphony that was being conducted by Heaven that, I was attuned to and, aligned with that day.

In the bright, hot Florida sunshine on a Saturday morning, I felt that I was blessed with a delicious ladle of Humanity soup.

No, I don't mean sweat...LOL.

Imagine a pot of soup, made with fresh ingredients. Imagine spooning up a ladle full of that soup and, in that ladle, you can see the vibrant colors of the vegetables, the rich pools of oily fat, the cubes of juicy meat, and the flecks of fresh herbs.

If you're not starving, you can wait for the ladle full to cool before taking a sip and, in that sip, you are rewarded with the soothing feel of warmth, the taste of richness, can sort out the different flavors and appreciate how they mingle together.

I have not been starving but, I have been hungry. I was given an invitation to a meal that I had to work hard for, that I hoped and expected gain from and little else. I was tired, frazzled, and hot and even still, I was able to see and feel the good thrum of life.

Because I feel humbled and blessed by this day, I feel that God gave me this day. I may have asked for it but, not with any direction, just with a need I did not know.

I have no bible verses to leave you with but, here is what is in my head, heart and soul:

I have heard the call for proof of the Divine. I have added my own voice to the call at times. I have listened to those who have ways of explaining how to build your faith and, while their ways may help, in the end, it's up to you.

I wasn't expecting Saturday but, I recognized the presence of the divine in that day.

I wasn't given a miracle, a sum of money, an answer to all of my problems.

I was blessed with things far more lasting and fulfilling: Hope, Love, Charity, Kindness, Endurance, Strength and Faith.

This is what I believe and feel and, I just wanted to pass on that, in these times when it seems that everyone is angry and unforgiving, when there are natural disasters and tragedy everywhere we look, virtue still exists and will not be easily extinguished.